Archive for the ‘ Family ’ Category
I don’t tell my friends everything, in fact I hide most of my personal stories.
It’s not that I don’t trust them; I just don’t share personal stories.
When I’m drunk.
I forget that I’m me.
I forget that I have things to deal with.
I forget that I’m a loser.
I forget that I’m alive.
And I can’t help but wish that I’m drunk right now.
Because life sucks so much right now.
Yes.
My dad is a “Kampung boy”, his village was in a small area in Malacca Town. It’s a small wooden house on stilt surrounded by wild grass (no one stays there anymore). There’s plenty of mango trees around. I hasn’t have the chance to explore this area, but I love Malacca town. It’s a city full of history, with many historical remains to feel with the five senses, and the culture along this one way street is rich. It’s also one of the city in Malaysia where smoking is ban, I love it.
My mum is a “Kampung girl”, living in a small fishing village. Opposite her house is an old school petrol station (like those you find in the middle of the highway route in US), and just behind it is the beach, where all the fishermen park their fishing boats. I go there very often till the passing of my grandpa last year. No one stays at the old house anymore, and everything remains as it is ever since. This is a small, humble town which is a favorite weekend getaway for many.
As much as we love by the nature which explains why the current place that we stays in is in the Kampung area, although it’s a modernised brick house.
This had been a strange week, I’d been to hell, and back to earth, then to heaven.
Family was and still is in a mess, everyday was just war and more war, and more war.
I never quite let anyone know about my family, it’s like a secret I have to keep and no one is allowed to know a single bit about it at all, but I guess all this “internalising-it-myself” is finally starting to eat me up;
And so the culprit was once again badfriend.
I don’t know how to feel letting my friend know a little about my history and family.
We never talk about it anymore after that, I know the secret is safe with him.
Some incidents happening in clinicals is seriously a bitch to the whole experience, and I rant about it like I’m a bitch too.
Don’t know if I like myself the way I am now, but it’s just a coping mechanism. And after all, there’s only one week to the end of this clinical to be like that, shouldn’t be bother with this.
Since the demise of my patient, the whole experience had changed.
– I stopped thinking about trying to be perfect to impress my CE, stopped thinking about how to stay in for the merger.
– Met with funny HO, asked my opinion whether it was indicated for him to remove the femoral catheter (ermz, my endocrine sucks)
– Negotiated with Registrar regarding my patient’s rehab potential, ganged up with HO to negotiate with registrar that our patient has no psych issues.
– Asked my CE all the questions that I could not quite figure out myself/intrigued, I was no longer afraid that I appear incompetent or whatsoever
– I just wanted the best for my patient.
Treated my first ICA patient!
Mostly I was just in shock when my CE told me to go to a different ward.
Although, I didn’t do very well for the first case, and I almost killed the patient (if my CE did not point out to things that I’d missed), but it quite was a learning experience definitely.
With family members that trusted me, it just reminded me of why nothing quite matter as my patients is the most important, and only thing that matter.
In addition to rushing for paeds report and in-service, this week was really hell.
Then there was O+X show! I was blown away! : D And I was in love, yes, I was in love.
With all the this small surprises that the band throw me with, like how they remember me and all the smiles and hugs. I basically flew to Pluto, and never quite came back.
So that was my week, I’d been to hell then back to earth, and now I’m in heaven because I’m in love.
“Because in your case, dying isn’t really the best revenge. “
“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fate handa you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope. Then there’s the school of thought that says the family you’re born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, clothe you, and take care of you until you’re ready to go out into the world. There you find your own tribe.” – Meredith Grey.
I’m all grown-up now, are you happy?
“One thing that I have learned is to be bulletproof. Mom can say anything she want but she is not the authority. It is only her opinion. If I don’t react to her insults she has no ammunition.”
The human body is a highly pressurized system. The blood pressure measures the force of blood pulsating through the arteries. It’s important to keep this pressure regulated. Low or inadequate pressure can cause weakness or failure. It’s when the pressure gets too high that problems really occur. If the pressure continues to increase, a closer examination is called for. Because it’s the best indicator that something is going terribly wrong. Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn’t find a way out, it will make one. It will explode. It’s the pressure we put on ourselves that’s the hardest to bare. The pressure to be better then we already are. The pressure to be better than we think we can be. It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds.
Medicine.
Was quite surprise to find out that my current cardiopulmonary lecturer and I are similar in many ways, more than I know. Us and our 倔強.
I didn’t want to do Medicine because I think I can save many nor did I think it’s a place without politics. I wanted to do it because that’s the only thing I ever wanted. As simple as that.
I was so silly that when I thought I didn’t made it to med school (the conventional way); I was gone for 10 months in my life, ran away from home, quarreled with my parents and anyone that came in between me and medicine, hurt myself, cry to myself, and tried killing myself (yes, five times to be exact) and all the stupidsilly things.
I thought if I bummed around long enough, my parents would eventually be convinced to send me to Russia/India the very least. Till I realise that it will never ever happen, that was 2 years later. I tried other route(s) from social science to art to engineering to teaching, and I knew on the day that I almost signed my life away (to teaching), that I was not willing to give up my love for medicine and so I finally settled for Physiotherapy (for now) and still hope that I will find my way to medicine, one day.
“I can’t think of any one reason why I want to be a surgeon, but I can think of 1,000 reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it’s more than just a game and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here’s the thing… I love the playing field.” – Meredith Grey
I know I suck at postaday2011 challenge, but I’m going to stick to this for 30 days from tonight midnight – 18th July 2011
30 days challenge:
1) Abstain from alcohol
2) Snail mail my friends, one each day 🙂
3) Read one physiotherapy/medical article a day
I’m not that confident, nor am I bulletproof for whatever that is coming ahead.
I’m just looking forward to going back to hospital, to SGH.
To see patients, to learn from my CE, to make sense of what I had learnt in school.
As time passed, I had very much started liking Physiotherapy,
But still not convinced that it is something that I can do for long.
A lot of time, I would think that I would like to pursue further into Paediatrics, but that said, I can’t really imagine myself doing rehab forever and ever.
Degree conversion is not something top on the priority in the past, but with all the uncertainty in the future, I can’t deny that I just want to go HK/UK to get my deg and hope I can embark on another journey altogether.
I can’t deny that I want to leave Singapore, very much.
To pull my GPA up, slightly is what I wish for, too.
But that said, I can only work harder, keep trying to make sense of everything, absorb as much as I could like a sponge and cross my fingers that everything will fall together nicely, by itself.
At this point of time, I do not know what I want, for my future.
But whatever it is, I’m just going to make the best out of this 5 weeks.
For the upcoming 5 weeks,
There will be days that I will question myself, feel lousy about myself, feel like I’d made the worse choice, feel that I am wrong, feel useless, feel that the patients don’t deserve a substandard treatment from a student like me, feel inferior to my fellow course-mates and feel that this is not worth the pain at all.
There will be days where I rant about all my own shortcoming, about all the things that we can’t control, rant about the doctors, rant about the CEs, rant about life basically.
But,
There will also be days where I know all this pain is worth it when I see my patient getting better.
There will also be days where I know all are possible when I see my patients smiling back at me.
There will also be days where I know I can manage all these, one step at a time.
There will also be days where I know that everything will be ok.
I will be ok, I know I will.
Pop Bubbles 